This is the anniversary of the worst day of my life.... the day you died. I remember it like it was yesterday. Sometimes it seems like it has been forever since I have heard your voice; sometimes it seems like I talked to you an hour ago. It has been three years since I got the phone call. Dad called me in the morning. You had just been transferred to rehab a day before to recover from your second heart surgery in 2 years. Dad said you collapsed in the bathroom and was taken to the hospital last night. Why he did not call me, I don't know. I still hold anger about that. I could have been there to hold your hand. I immediately went to the hospital... dad had said you were OK but I knew I needed to go. As soon as I got there I knew. When I entered the waiting room the lady at the desk, you know the one who answers the phone with that "so sorry" voice, asked if anyone was with me. I knew. I called dad and mom and waited. I knew. I sat in the chair and sobbed uncontrollably. I felt so incredibly guilty that I went to the healthclub the day before instead of coming to see you. My parents came and they took us to "the" room. They said they were sorry. They went in again. "Her heart was like paper"... I remember the doctor saying. I wanted to see you. Dad went with. You looked so peaceful, so rested. You were cold- I held your hand and kissed you goodbye. I can still see the puffiness in your hands... Swollen from years of arthritis. I was thinking of Papa seeing you and saying "Shit, it has been so quiet up here", and you saying, "Shut up Marty". I was also thinking of how to tell my kids.

I see you in me everyday. Sometimes I look at my hands and see your hands. I see your love of babies in me- your love of the color purple. Not the movie- the color. You did not like that movie. You also did not like "All in the Family"- the sound of Edith's voice made you crindge. You spoke your mind with love and support as I do. I want to call you all the time. Ben still says he misses you. When he is sad he curls up on the couch with your blanket. Just the other day he said, "I wish grandma didn't die". It breaks my heart but I am so thankful he remembers you. He may only remember you bringing him candy, but that is OK. I miss you everytime my kids loose a tooth... you should be sending a silver dollar. I miss you every holiday... you would be proud as I have duplicated your Sweet & Sour Meatballs. My birthdays are not the same... you would always wait to go to Florida so you did not miss it. I have tried to keep up with your traditions, but it is not the same. I wish I had asked you more questions. I wish I knew more about you. I have asked Aunt M to tell me about you and Papa. To jot little thoughts down and send them to me. I know your best friend Mary is with you now. I was the one who told her. She sobbed too... she cried "no, I just talked to her yesterday".

I want you to know I am healing. It has taken me a long time. It still hurts but I am doing better. Day by day. I know you would not want me to be sad. I know you want me to celebrate what we shared and not morn your death. I know you couldn't fight anymore. I believe you held out as long as you could... for your family. You will live forever in my heart because you are a large part of it.



On a cruise for my 16th birthday.