We went to Roctober Fest last night... why is this in September? I have no idea. Anyway, the band was playing, the kids were running around... big tent, food, beer. Sounds ideal, right? I was crabby- I have been crabby lately. A lot. So I was standing there and my friends daughter, almost 2, was tired and needed to be held. I took her from mom (so she could drink her beer) and POOF... I wasn't crabby anymore. I was in heaven. That little girl fell asleep on my shoulder and I was in my happy place. Music was playing, people were talking and I was all of a sudden at peace.
For a long time I have been struggling with finding my place as my children grow up. Not being needed in the same way, not feeling needed in the same way. I know they still need me, but it is different. It is a different feeling than when you look down at your baby and wonder what he will look like, be like, act like and know that you are responsible for every need, every wish, every desire. Now I look up at my children and wonder if I met all those needs, wishes and desires... and realize that if I didn't I can't go back. And holding those kids... oh how I miss that. Looking at those little fingers and toes, rubbing those bald heads and squeezing those chubby thighs. I morn that. That was my life for a long, long time and before that it was my wish for a long, long time. Now not only is that life gone, I know it is gone forever. My wish came true and that was wonderful, but what do you do when it is over... done... complete. Move on? Make a new wish? Finding my peace with that is hard.
Maybe it is because my sister is very close to having her baby... maybe it is because the terrible teens have been hitting us... maybe because I have a son in high school. Whatever it is, it is hitting me and it is hitting hard. No wonder I have so many books that I've started and not finished. I get to a place I like and stop reading. I don't want to turn the page, start the next chapter... I want to hang out for awhile. Problem is in real life, the story keeps going. If you hang out too long, you get lost.