Last night (Tuesday) at our PTO meeting, a topic came up that I have an issue with. I carefully and quietly listened to the principal then the parent involved and then I raised my hand... "In my opinion, this is wrong. This was not the proper way to go about... better ways of handling this are... This has brought about many other issues... These could have- should have been brought to PTO or the school board first..." Basically I said "Shame on you, you spine-less twit" to the principal... without using those words. As I was talking, I was watching the other parents nod in agreement while their mouths were sealed shut. After the meeting a few thanked me for saying something and one parent (who did back me up) called today to tell me how much she appreciated what I said and how I "professionally" said it. She said I should be proud of myself and knew how hard it was for me to come forward with my feelings knowing no-one else would say anything first. She said I was the perfect person to be the one to speak. Little does she know...

It is ironic to me that people think I am this speak your mind, get it off your chest, be honest about your feelings kind of person. I really am not. In most cases I keep it all inside, don't tell people when they are hurting me or pissing me off and keep quiet. In thinking about this I realized that the people I speak up with are the ones I am not emotionally involved with. Friends may think I am being honest with them, but if they could hear the conversations that are going on in my head... they would be very surprised. Common thoughts are, "What the fuck are you thinking?" "That really hurt me" "Can we please deal with my shit?"
When I was seeing my therapist, we had touched on this fact but I probably did not finish the discussion because it hit a nerve. What am I afraid of? Maybe I don't want to hurt the people I love? Better to keep it to myself. Maybe I am afraid they will walk away? Friends have done that. Maybe people will get pissed and I have to pick up the pieces? It's happened. Maybe they will decide that they can't deal with me and step back instead of helping me through? Or they will come up with the wrong answer and I realize they are thinking of themselves and not me. Maybe they will be stronger and yell louder, making me feel little? My uncle did that... a lot. Maybe its habit... my parents don't fight, they don't share their feelings. At least not to my knowledge or in front of me. Not that it is a good thing but they are still happily married, as far as I know. I am my father... I know he keeps things inside. No, not a good thing. But I am more my grandmother... who was blunt, honest and sometimes downright hurtful but respected for coming forward with her opinions. Maybe that is more who I am, how I want to be... maybe it took age and wisdom to get that out of her. Sometimes I don't think things are worth arguing over. Am I not putting enough importance on my feelings? Sometimes it just doesn't seem worth it to put something out there and have to deal with all the shit. It is just easier to let it blow over, or in my case, put it away and burry it. But Maybe it's not... Maybe I need to get it out. Not worry about the reaction. Take responsibility for me and not the other person. Maybe.