I think most of the Zoloft withdrawl is over. The dizziness is gone... thank the lord. Now that I say that, it will be back. Last episode was 2 nights ago, when I thought I was going to hurl at the chinese restaurant... I had visions of little china men cleaning up a big mess of vomit. Too much info, I know. I am not sleeping well even with my AHHHH Ambien. Hopefully that will improve. I am a total bitch... moody as hell. Deal with it... (see).

Picture perfect... my niece Maddy 

Haven't been posting lately because the computer screen makes me dizzy... so I will try to do a little catching up.
- My de-zolofting is going well. I lost it last week and took a small dose on Sunday and Tuesday, but have had nothing since. I feel better, but my head still feels a bit spinny.
- I had a client deliver a healthy baby girl on Wednesday. I decided to take the summer off and of course, am getting phone calls from people due in the summer. Go figure.
- Foolishly, I "volunteered" to put together the video montage for my 20th high school reunion in July. I did not like high school, do not talk to anyone from high school and really don't care too much about the reunion. Why did I volunteer... I have no idea.
- I can't believe my kids only have a few weeks of school left. And my oldest is graduating from 8th grade.
- Just on the news... an 11 ounce baby is showing improvement. 11 OUNCES. Not sure if that is a good thing or not. If I were the parent I would do everything to keep my child alive, but I wonder what the quality of life will be.
- Planning my moms 60th party... another video I need to get together. Looking at all the old photos... boy, did we look silly. Some of the old black and whites are cool. My dad dropped off 2 bins of stuff to go through.
- Do you watch American Idol? Bo was incredible. I want a recording of the song he did without the band. Simply amazing.

I am going to try to catch up with everyone...

One of the symptoms of Zoloft "withdrawal" is sensitivity to noise. This is a huge problem for me because it is something that I have struggled with most of my life. Yelling downstairs, "Turn that down!" happened nightly in my teen years. The sound of people cracking gum makes me crazy... or just chomping on it. Sleeping in the same room with someone who "breathes" is hell. Right now, at this moment- I am clenching my jaw, my shoulders are holding so much stress they are up to my ears... why? The TV is blaring downstairs, my son has sniffles about a million times in the last 5 minutes, my ceiling fan was making a noise (had to turn it off), the window is open so I can hear all the cars, birds and wind... and if I hear my fat cat meow one more time I may drop kick her. I need a couple days of silence to get through this and I know it is not going to happen.

My mother and her sister got into a big argument about 25 years ago after their parents died. Since then, they have only spoke a handful of times... And we have seen my aunt twice. I have a cousin whom I met once when he was 3... He is now an adult.
My dad's family has always been more than present in my life. It is always strange to me that I have relatives I don't know.
My aunt recently contacted my mother to let her know she has breast cancer. I feel very strongly that my mom should go visit her... We are in Illinois, she is in California. They have been corresponding- my mom has sent pictures and my aunt has been sending updates. Her last chemo is this week. I can't even imagine having not seeing my sister and holding onto anger for such a long time... and then learning that she is sick and not jumping at the opportunity to make peace.
I am not sure exactly what happened 25 years ago. My grandparents died within 6 months of eachother and I am sure that they were both devastated. I am just urging my mother to be the "better" person and make amends.
Live in person.

After my grandmother died, I had a rough time. It was not a good year. One thing after another after another... and so on and so on. Dealing (or not dealing) was too hard. Medication definitely helped. Zoloft was my friend. It helped me balance on the thin beam, allowed me to sort through the mess in my head and made the little things stay little. I think in a lot of ways it helped me speak... that and a good therapist.
Now, 3 years later I am finding myself in a daze. Spaced out, unable to explain things and basically numb. I am forgetting things, unclear and well, numb. I decided to slowly wean off the Zoloft... my thinking is that it has done its job. It helped me get through a very rough time. I have been slowly cutting back for two weeks and I actually feel better. I am more awake, I am joking around and talking more... maybe it is just in my head, maybe one doesn't have to do with the other, maybe I will find that I need it back. This is a test, just a test.