Ella 

It has been a week of new babies... my client delivered a baby girl on Monday afternoon. She called me at 12:30am and delivered at 1 in the afternoon. Not too bad for a first time mom... both mom and baby are doing well.

Yesterday, my sister went in for a scheduled c-section and we welcomed Baby Ella to our family. I am an Auntie again! She is beautiful, of course. They did not allow me in the room during the section so I had to stay in the waiting room- which absolutely killed me. Less than an hour wait, but it felt as long as the 12 from the other birth. Time definitely passes faster when you are involved. I am off to see how my sister is doing... Ok honestly, to hold the baby and tell her I will be the one painting her nails and braiding her hair. Maybe I will stop at the store and buy something pink.

I had a friend, a good friend, a best friend. A friend who I knew since childhood. A friend who I went to camp with, had sleepovers with, drank peppermint Schnapps with. This friends family was my family and mine was hers. Things changed. Without my approval, without my knowledge. In her defense, she was sick. I was there every step of the way until I was not welcome anymore. By her, by her husband, by her family... not sure. This great friend shut me out by choice, by illness. I have continuously kept communication open, holding onto something. Holding onto the past, the memories, the future. Hurt, wounded, betrayed but hopeful. Out of nowhere I get a picture... the first one in 8 years. Then comes an instant message, "hi Lon". Followed by an actual conversation. I am not sure how I feel, confused, scarred, happy. I am not sure what happens next. Do I wait, do I call, do I email? Do I bring up the hurt or do I leave it alone?
Anyone?

What every woman wants 

We went to Roctober Fest last night... why is this in September? I have no idea. Anyway, the band was playing, the kids were running around... big tent, food, beer. Sounds ideal, right? I was crabby- I have been crabby lately. A lot. So I was standing there and my friends daughter, almost 2, was tired and needed to be held. I took her from mom (so she could drink her beer) and POOF... I wasn't crabby anymore. I was in heaven. That little girl fell asleep on my shoulder and I was in my happy place. Music was playing, people were talking and I was all of a sudden at peace.
For a long time I have been struggling with finding my place as my children grow up. Not being needed in the same way, not feeling needed in the same way. I know they still need me, but it is different. It is a different feeling than when you look down at your baby and wonder what he will look like, be like, act like and know that you are responsible for every need, every wish, every desire. Now I look up at my children and wonder if I met all those needs, wishes and desires... and realize that if I didn't I can't go back. And holding those kids... oh how I miss that. Looking at those little fingers and toes, rubbing those bald heads and squeezing those chubby thighs. I morn that. That was my life for a long, long time and before that it was my wish for a long, long time. Now not only is that life gone, I know it is gone forever. My wish came true and that was wonderful, but what do you do when it is over... done... complete. Move on? Make a new wish? Finding my peace with that is hard.
Maybe it is because my sister is very close to having her baby... maybe it is because the terrible teens have been hitting us... maybe because I have a son in high school. Whatever it is, it is hitting me and it is hitting hard. No wonder I have so many books that I've started and not finished. I get to a place I like and stop reading. I don't want to turn the page, start the next chapter... I want to hang out for awhile. Problem is in real life, the story keeps going. If you hang out too long, you get lost.

I am getting used to the teenage thing one step at a time.... I have lost control of who eats what and when, check. There will be "kids" in and out of my house that are taller, bigger and stronger that me, check. Some of those "kids" have bigger and perkier boobs than I do, check. Occasionally, there will be people sleeping on my couch (during the day, not overnight), check. Rules and punishments are re-evaluated, check. Sex and drugs are a constant concern, check. Sex and drugs are a constant concern, double check. Music will be blaring from rooms, I'm old, check.
I got all that... but yesterday I walked up to my bathroom, my cabinet was open and there were tampon wrappers in the garbage. Sons girlfriend uses my tampons, check? Son asks him if I have any tampons and where they are, check? Keep in mind that I only have boys in this house and if there is a tampon wrapper in the garbage, it's from me. And because I have boys, or because this is just what I have always done for the anti-ick factor- I put the applicator back in the wrapper and put a piece of toilet paper around it... Especially in someone else's house. Not the case here. Plus there are very few things in my house I don't have to share... as stupid as that sounds, femine products are one of them. I know when I am running low, I know what I have, no-one is taking them without telling me... well, until now. Don't get me wrong, I have no problem if she uses a tampon... it's just another thing to throw me off guard.
Son's girlfriend may borrow a tampon, check.