I remember a long time ago sitting at a table. I think I was at a seminar or meeting. The instructor told us to write down 20 or so goals we have... you know, things to do before I die. One in which immediately popped into my head was to see a baby being born. Not mine, but someone else's. For some reason today, I remembered specifically that moment of writing that down. Obviously, I have done that... check that off the list. Not once, not twice... but 40 times. I counted. I have seen 40 little heads pop into this world, 40 hands waving "hello", 40 little bodies wrapped up like a burrito, 40 wonderous pairs of eyes staring at mom, 40 first cries, 40 tiny tushes, 40 moms saying "so you're the one who has been kicking me", 40 babies hearing their name for the first time. 40 times I have shared a life altering moment, a gift from God, a wonder of wonders, a precious miracle.
My new goal... 40 more.

Got this one from Cathy ... thanks for stopping by.

1. Name someone with the same birthday as you. I actually don't know of anyone.

2. Where was your first kiss? Probably at the fieldhouse... we used to go there and "hang" with the boys.

3. Have you ever seriously vandalized someone else's property? No. Well, I did go with to put rotten eggs in someone's mailbox.

4. Have you ever hit someone of the opposite sex? Not that I recall

5. Have you ever sang in front of a large number of people? No way... not something anyone would want to hear.

6. What's the first things you notice about the preferred sex? Good teeth... nice smile

7. What really turns you on? A good night's sleep which happens very rarely

8. What do you order at Starbucks? Grande Caramel Frap

9. What is your biggest mistake? I am perfect... right?!?

10. Have you ever hurt yourself on purpose? No.

11. Say something totally random about yourself. I think too much

12. Has anyone ever said you looked like a celebrity? When I had short hair... for a very short time, people said I looked like Pat Benatar

13. Do you still watch kiddy movies or tv shows? Does Brady Bunch count?

14. Did you have braces? No

15. Are you comfortable with your height? Yes. 5’6”

16. What is the most romantic thing someone of the opposite sex has done for you? Going up to the hotel room when I did not know and put roses all over the bed.

17. When do you know it's love? When he plays with the kids or hugs my neice

18. Do you speak any other languages? No, but I listen for my name when my mother-in-law talks in Polish

19. Have you ever been to a tanning salon? Years ago.

20. What magazines do you read? I don't really "read" them... I just look at the pictures.

21. Have you ever ridden in a limo? Yes, many times

22. Has anyone you were really close to passed away? My grandparents.

23. Do you watch MTV? Not very often

24. What's something that really annoys you? Gum chewing, people chewing crunchy foods (especially with their mouths open), people looking over my shoulders (hi honey)

25. What's something you really like? Babies

26. Do you like Michael Jackson? I think he is wasted talent.

27. Can you dance? Ummmm, no

28. What's the latest you have ever stayed up? I think the longest was 48 hours when I had two women go into labor back to back

29. Have you ever been rushed by an ambulance into the emergency room? Yes, once. After eating at a Japanese restaurant for my birthday, I was having trouble breathing. A piece of meat got stuck in my throat. Threw up a great, espensive dinner.

30. Do you actually read these when other people fill them out? Every word... don't you?

I tag Angela Marie at Rocks & Garbage ... go!

Today is my birthday.
It started at 3am...
"mom" "mom"
"what ben"
"i accidently peed"
"go tell dad"
"he's asleep"
"go tell him anyway"
Problem is when you send them to tell dad, all that happens is they go to sleep next to dad for the rest of the night... soaked sheets are still on the bed.
Jump to 6:30am...
Look outside to see that my front yard has been "decorated" by my dear friends. Who are very dear most of the time... when they are not in a druken state and thinking clearly. "Decorated" with toilet paper. Unless they are planning to come over very soon to clean it up, not very festive. Love you guys... but.

The morning did see some light when I openend the gift on the counter from my hubby and kids... Delphi radio for my car.

Another good note... yesterday I got flowers, the Wynonna book and CD, a card from a friend I have not talked to in awhile (which made me smile) and had a good lunch with pals and my sister.

The day continues...

Anyone else watch Oprah this morning and think... "OK, that's it... I am going to exercise, change my diet and be healthy" then proceed to eat chocolate.

Sweet Dreams 

Why is it that no matter how often I do it and how much I do... it is never enough to get the job done?

Laundry.... I'm talking about the laundry!

It's Half-Nekkid Thursday at Elle's

What's the new look at Toni's?

Is she or isn't she at Celicy's?

and...

What's she up to at Getupgrrl's?

Hi Jen, (calling you that is hard, since I know you as Jenny)

I just wanted to pop a note to tell you, again, how much I love your site. We are very much alike and your words comfort me in knowing I am not alone in my thoughts. They also inspire me to heal with you. Being nurturing to everyone else and not to myself is a daily struggle for me. It is my life and my work... I am starting to realize that people love me even if I do not take care of them, as long as I take care of me. I am also learning, partly through you, to relax and not feel so "tight" all the time. To let others be and do... to not take on so much for fear it won't get done the same way. I cannot express myself they way you do, you truly have a gift. Keep up the great work- you are helping me and I am sure many more.
And your photos... WOW!

Lonna

Saved "Until I Delete":
My favorite Will & Grace episode - the one with the water bra
Oprah with Bon Jovi
Only When I Laugh (please don't laugh) - Kristy McNichol
Little Darlings (shhh) - Kristy McNichol and Matt Dillon
Nuts - Barbra Streisand... favorite line "You can't make me Nuts, no matter how hard you try"

Recorded, but not watched yet:
As many Will & Grace episodes that will fit... for those nights of sleepless-ness
CSI
Without a Trace
The Daily Show with Jon Stewart (Recommended by Toni - see, I listened!)

Season Pass:
ER (thinking about removing)
CSI
Law & Order- SVU
Will & Grace (duh)
Two and a half Men
Survivor
Amazing Race
Extreme Makeover Home Edition
Three Wishes
Oprah
Ellen Degeneres

Jerry took the boys camping this weekend and what was supposed to be a nice quiet, restful time turned out to be, well...
Early Saturday morning my 14 year old comes into my room to get a towel. Please not that we have the discussion about putting towels in their bathroom or hall closet, using a towel more than once (god forbid) and going into the laundry room to get a towel instead of waking me up out of precious sleep for a freakin towel. I was in a deep sleep, which happens very rarely, and startled when he opened my door and accidentally banged his arm on the other door (we have double doors) making a loud thud. I pulled a muscle in my neck when I turned suddenly... Have a nice weekend guys, I will just be lying here not moving. Of course, being the good mom I am, I did not let on that this was why I was walking around like my mother. (She had neck surgery a few years ago and we always make fun of her because she has to turn her whole body to see something behind her... I know, we are sick)
Anyway, everyone leaves... all is quiet. I go to bed after taking mega doses of Motrin. Can't sleep... because I don't sleep. Ever. That night I think I saw every hour on the clock. Watched Philadelphia (Tom Hanks) and about a million Will & Grace episodes. Thank you TiVo.
Sunday morning I decided to get up and move. I also had a Newborn class to observe... one of the last steps to completing my Childbirth Ed certification. My neck felt a little better. I go for the class only to realize I had the date wrong and it is next Sunday. Shit. I go home to get some computer stuff done and my computer keeps freezing. Mid afternoon I hit a wall... so tired, neck sore... need sleep. HA! Can't sleep. Ever. Decide to meet my parents and sister for dinner. OK, honestly, I hadn't seen baby Ella in 24 hours and had to make sure she still thought I was the best Auntie on the planet. At dinner I was trying not to turn like my mother... cause it is no fun when they make fun of me.
I know this is getting long and boring... but this is my blog and I am going to continue.
I got home about 8 and decided to take an Ambien. This is the only way I will sleep. Ever. Ahhhh Ambien. My drug of necessity. Problem is that I have a client due soon... she is 2cm already. I never take a pill when I am on call for fear that I will get called and not hear the phone. I rationalize by saying that she is 2 weeks away from her due date and if I don't get some sleep I will be of no use to her if I am a zombie and it is early, so if she calls in the middle of the night I will be fine. I decide to take 1/2. Murphy's law. Phone rings at 10:30. I go to the hospital feeling like the morning after a drinking spree. I should not have been driving... it was that bad. My neck was aching and my head was spinning. My client was checked and she was not any more dilated than at her apt the previous week... contractions were spaced and she was not even wincing with them. If I was in the right state of mind, I would have figured that out on the phone and had her call me after she got to the hospital to let me know if she was staying or not. I told her that I wasn't feeling well and was going home... hospital is only 10 minutes away... call me if they are keeping you or call in the am from home. Please note: I am good at what I do and I felt like crap leaving her (and her hubby). I totally beat myself up the entire night and morning. I shouldn't have taken that stupid pill. Turned out that they spent the night but were sent home in the morning. Contractions stopped. They did give her the option to induce, but she decided not to. We had discussed that prior and I am glad that she was educated enough to make that decision. I did not tell them about the Ambien, but told them I was sorry I did not stay. I would have been no good there. I thought they would have been mad, but they weren't. Dad said I looked like crap.
So it's now Monday. They come home soon and I have gotten no sleep. Luckily it has been quiet. Tomorrow the contractor is starting on re-siding our house... the banging will begin nice and early. And I will be on night 3 of no sleep. Because I have learned my lesson. On call- no Ambien.
My neck feels better... but the next time my son wakes me up for a towel, I may use it to ring his...

Go back...
Before the Internet or the AIM
Before semi automatics and weed
Before playstation2 or X-bOX
Before the 5 hours of homework you put off every night...
Way back...
I'm talkin' bout hide and go seek at dusk.
Red light, Green light.
Playing kickball & dodgeball until your porch light came on.
Mother May I?
Red Rover
Four square
Hula Hoops
Running through the sprinkler
Happy Meals
Getting the privelage to sit in the front seat of the car
Wait...
Watchin' Saturday Morning cartoons
Like Hey Arnold and Doug
Or what about legends of the hidden temple, global guts, double dare, and who, ARE YOU AFFRAID OF THE DARK!
Who could forget Snick
Or the teenage mutant ninja turtles and Power Rangers
Christmas morning...
Your first day of school
Bedtime Prayers and Goodnight Kisses
Climbing trees
Getting an ice cream off the ice cream truck
A million mosquito bites and sticky fingers
Jumpin' down the steps
Jumpin' on the bed
Pillow fights
Runnin' till you were out of breath
Laughing so hard that your stomach hurt and you almost peed your pants
Being tired from playin' all day
Your first crush...
Rainy days at school meant playing "Heads up 7-Up" in the classroom
Remember that?
I'm not finished yet...
Kool-Aid was the drink of the summer
Giving your friends a ride on your handlebars or spikes
Wearing your new shoes on the first day of school
Class Field Trips
When nearly everyone's mom was at home when the kids got there.
When getting high was swinging on the swingset
When $5 seemed like a million, and another dollar a Miracle.
When your parents took you to McDonalds and you were so cool.
When Toys r Us overuled the "mall"
I want to go back to the time when...
Decisions were made by going "eeny-meeny-miney-moe"
Mistakes were corrected by simply exclaiming, "do over!"
"Race issue" meant arguing about who ran the fastest.
Money issues were handled by whoever was the banker in "monopoly"
Catching fireflies could happily occupy an entire evening
It wasn't odd to have two or three "best" friends.
Being old, referred to anyone over 20.
The worst thing you could catch from the opposite sex was cooties.
Nobody was prettier than Mom
Nobody was cooler than Dad
Scrapes and bruises were kissed and made better
It was a big deal to finally be tall enough to ride the "big people" rides at the amusement park.
Getting an inch of snow was a dream come true.
Abilities were discovered because of a "double-dog-dare"
Spinning around, getting dizzy and falling down was cause for giggles.
If you can remember most or all of these, then you have LIVED!!!
Pass this on to anyone who may need a break from their "grown up" life...
I double doggy dare you =)

Last night (Tuesday) at our PTO meeting, a topic came up that I have an issue with. I carefully and quietly listened to the principal then the parent involved and then I raised my hand... "In my opinion, this is wrong. This was not the proper way to go about... better ways of handling this are... This has brought about many other issues... These could have- should have been brought to PTO or the school board first..." Basically I said "Shame on you, you spine-less twit" to the principal... without using those words. As I was talking, I was watching the other parents nod in agreement while their mouths were sealed shut. After the meeting a few thanked me for saying something and one parent (who did back me up) called today to tell me how much she appreciated what I said and how I "professionally" said it. She said I should be proud of myself and knew how hard it was for me to come forward with my feelings knowing no-one else would say anything first. She said I was the perfect person to be the one to speak. Little does she know...

It is ironic to me that people think I am this speak your mind, get it off your chest, be honest about your feelings kind of person. I really am not. In most cases I keep it all inside, don't tell people when they are hurting me or pissing me off and keep quiet. In thinking about this I realized that the people I speak up with are the ones I am not emotionally involved with. Friends may think I am being honest with them, but if they could hear the conversations that are going on in my head... they would be very surprised. Common thoughts are, "What the fuck are you thinking?" "That really hurt me" "Can we please deal with my shit?"
When I was seeing my therapist, we had touched on this fact but I probably did not finish the discussion because it hit a nerve. What am I afraid of? Maybe I don't want to hurt the people I love? Better to keep it to myself. Maybe I am afraid they will walk away? Friends have done that. Maybe people will get pissed and I have to pick up the pieces? It's happened. Maybe they will decide that they can't deal with me and step back instead of helping me through? Or they will come up with the wrong answer and I realize they are thinking of themselves and not me. Maybe they will be stronger and yell louder, making me feel little? My uncle did that... a lot. Maybe its habit... my parents don't fight, they don't share their feelings. At least not to my knowledge or in front of me. Not that it is a good thing but they are still happily married, as far as I know. I am my father... I know he keeps things inside. No, not a good thing. But I am more my grandmother... who was blunt, honest and sometimes downright hurtful but respected for coming forward with her opinions. Maybe that is more who I am, how I want to be... maybe it took age and wisdom to get that out of her. Sometimes I don't think things are worth arguing over. Am I not putting enough importance on my feelings? Sometimes it just doesn't seem worth it to put something out there and have to deal with all the shit. It is just easier to let it blow over, or in my case, put it away and burry it. But Maybe it's not... Maybe I need to get it out. Not worry about the reaction. Take responsibility for me and not the other person. Maybe.